One Door Closes

ok lets try this again...

one door closes another door opens? what the hell does that mean anyway. at this point i feel like im in monsters inc and there's a thousand doors in front of me. so many things i want to do.but im kinda just staring at them all like whats behind door number 2?...with that being said...over the last two days ive been thinking ALOT about my ex's and how i was never single very long. because "at the same time one door closed another one opened" almost simultaneously. but even after i go through one door i always re visit past doors. i dont have one ex that i didnt give a second chance to. even now after being with steven for 6 years i cant help but think about my "past doors" one in particular but thats a LONG story lol. anyways what im getting at is...no matter how much i want to move on and be ALONE and do me for a little or long while...I'M LONELY!...i know that "their father" isnt sitting at home alone like i am. i know that he doesnt feel any remorse or regret or even feel bad for leaving like he did. and im 99% sure that he had my door and another open at the same time! so he's already moved on. WHAT DO I DO...sleeping around isnt my style at all and if you know me then you know that.i just feel torn. i dont wanna be that girl that needs a man because i really dont. i just miss being loved. i know that im loved by my children and family but you know what i mean...i want the cant live with out, would do anything for you kinda love. something i havent had for A VERY VERY long time. i dont know tonight i just feel alone. like even if i was standing in the middle of a foot ball stadium with a million people surrounding me i would still feel alone. maybe its just a bad night maybe i'v felt this way for a while. maybe im just a big ball of contradictions that i cant help! ok i think i'v rambled enough lol...maybe i just need some sleep. hopefully ill feel better in the morning. on a side note... charlie pulled up in his playpen today and when i tried calling and texting his "father" i got no response! seriously who does that. who helps create two of the most amazing things on the face of the planet and then stops caring! its something i cant wrap my head around.